


Dreams

by owl_coffee



Category: Xenogenesis Series - Octavia E. Butler
Genre: Angst, F/F, Haircuts, Misses Clause Challenge, Multi, Pregnancy, Pregnant Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:46:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,856
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8878300
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owl_coffee/pseuds/owl_coffee
Summary: Aaor told her, kept telling her that this child would be healthy, this child would live but Paz couldn't stop thinking of the others. All the little others she and Javier had tried to make.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [lastwingedthing](https://archiveofourown.org/users/lastwingedthing/gifts).



Paz had been having a bad dream. At this point in her pregnancy, she found it difficult to sleep and would wake frequently in the night to turn her big belly over, laboriously, to the other side, to doze off there. Aaor usually helped her to get back to sleep again with gentle touches of sleep-inducing hands or sensory tentacles. But tonight Aaor was with their new mates, helping Shkaht get accustomed to her own recent burden of pregnancy. They would both bear their first children around the same time, a few months apart, if all went well. If Paz didn't fall apart before then. She had been dreaming recently of giving birth to a headless baby, to entrails falling apart wetly before they could even leave her body. To a skeleton baby that cried and cried but couldn't be fed. Aaor told her, kept telling her that this child would be healthy, this child would live but Paz couldn't stop thinking of the others. All the little others she and Javier had tried to make.

When Paz startled awake for the second time she must have woken Javier too. He stirred in his bed opposite hers and murmured something half-intelligible, then “Paz?” sleepily. Nights like this, she missed Javier most of all. He slept in the same room as her but neither of them could bear the other's touch any more. It was the hardest thing about this strange new life Aaor had brought them to together. She heard his footsteps as he padded softly over to her bed, still half-wrapped in his own bed-clothing. Javier sat down heavily beside her curled up legs, the blankets shielding their naked flesh from one another's unwelcome touch. Even this close, not touching, Paz felt a little uncomfortable and she knew he must be, too. But his presence was soothing nonetheless. Sometimes he could bring himself to touch her hair, but apparently not tonight. Paz was growing her hair for a baby. It was a custom among some of the younger women to grow it out until they had a healthy child, then cut the locks as an offering to the Mother, Marίa de la Luz. Paz had been growing her hair out for nine years, now. Sometimes she wondered what the point was, now she had given up on having a Human child altogether. But she couldn't bring herself to do anything about it yet. Besides, hair was the only way they could touch, now. It was dead.

“Another bad dream?” came his voice.

She nodded, then realised it must be too dark for Javier to see her face. “Yes,” she whispered. “I'm sorry to wake you again.” Tears began to gather in the corners of her eyes and spill onto the pillow, wetly.

“Shh, shh,” he sighed, “Don't worry about it. I'm sure our sleep will be broken soon enough by our new - “

“Don't say it, Javi!” Paz snapped, then more calmly added, “I don't want you to say anything about it.” It was stupid to keep to the same superstition – as if it had helped during her other pregnancies, made it easier for them to put those little bodies in the ground – but she couldn't help feeling it was unlucky to speak of the pregnancy's outcome. “I keep thinking about it going wrong,” she confessed.

“I know,” said Javier heavily. “But Paz, Aaor promised us. This time, it's going to be different.” His hand did come out of the darkness then, and rested for a moment on her long rope of black hair, braided for sleeping.

“ _How can_ _Aaor_ _know?_ ” If Paz had had more energy it would have been a scream. Her voice came out in a tired whisper. “How can Aaor know for sure, Javi? She's never _done_ this before.” There it was. Her traitor doubt. Aaor was gentle, kind, soothed her every ache while she was with it, came to her looking like a beautiful woman. Neither woman nor man in truth, yes, but Paz had always thought of Aaor as 'her'. But while Paz was away from it, her doubts would creep back in and storm her heart. There was no way a healthy baby would come out of this. Not-Human, yes, she had almost accepted that. She had been brought to accept the bewildering changes that had happened almost overnight in their small mountain town. But living, thriving? Paz would only believe when she saw it, and she was too afraid to come any closer to that precipice for fear of falling off.

Javier's tired voice came back through the dark to her. “Lilith's children are fine. We've met most of them, now. They're – not normal, but they're healthy. None of them died when they were babies.”

“And you think they would tell us if they had?” Paz could hear a note of high hysteria in herself and tried to hold it in check. “Javi, if this one doesn't work Aaor will just _keep trying._ You heard her. They need to have babies, they can't stop it.” Paz puffed out her breath in a soundless laugh. “In their own way, they're better Catholics than we turned out to be. 'Open to life'. And I might never - ” There it was. The black well in the centre of her soul that she tried to keep covered. Cover it up. She shook her head and realised he couldn't see that, either. “Go back to bed, Javier. Go to sleep.”

“I can't just leave you like this.”

She was tired of words, which was all they could ever give each other now. Deliberately, she touched his shoulder with her hand and he flinched away and stood up without conscious thought. “Go to sleep.” Horrible sensation. Horrible Paz, for inflicting it on him deliberately. But after a moment he did go back to his bed. After an endless space of almost unbearable silence, he went back to his quiet night-time rhythm of breath.

 

Morning. It seemed Javier had decided to ignore last night's talk, which was probably for the best. Paz didn't think she could bear another row. Today, Jodahs was back and had an announcement for everyone.

“The town I planted has grown well, and is finally ready for all those who wish to move in,” said Jodahs triumphantly to the group. “There are enough houses for everyone, and Jesusa and Tomas have built a guest house for any visitors. The town wants to meet everyone!” Jodahs usually looked like a twin of Aaor, but Paz would never mistake the two. There must be some trick of movement that set them apart from one another, or perhaps it was just that one sibling was so much more confident than the other. There was a flurry of activity over the next several days, as they began to pack and prepare for the change.

Paz couldn't help disliking Jodahs, a little. He could be so – smug about his own ability to draw people in. Aaor had been hesitant with Paz and Javier at the very first, then blindingly, flatteringly infatuated with them. Aaor was still hesitant with people they didn't know well, still hung back. Paz knew that before they met Aaor had been sick, almost to death, and that she was still healing. Perhaps that was the difference. The only place Aaor had been more confident was in creating children – and Paz almost wished Aaor had not. If Jesusa had a child already, perhaps Paz would be more confident about her own pregnancy. Paz knew Jesusa wanted it badly, but that there weren't enough young Oankali mates coming to them, to go around. She had overheard Jodahs talking with Aaor about it. Aaor needed Shkaht and Tediin more than Jodahs, was still not quite healthy, so Aaor had gone first. Very soon after they were first mated, Paz became pregnant.

 

When Jodahs announced that it was time to move to the new town, Paz was in her seventh month and feeling heavy and tired most of the time. The first time she had found out the pregnancy would last eleven months, Paz had laughed out loud. Eleven months for things to go wrong! She was glad the aliens on the ship had spared them one of their craft, to ferry people back and forth, so that she didn't have to walk the several miles upriver. Paz was disturbed by the way the shuttle swallowed them like a huge creature, and by the lack of windows inside. She clutched Shkaht's arm for comfort. Ever since she had discovered she could touch her big female Ooloi mate without discomfort, Paz had done so with increasing frequency. It wasn't Ooloi custom, but seemed to comfort them both. They were both pregnant for the first time, and facing some of the same fears. Aaor hastened to reassure her and Javier, joining with them both deliciously as the shuttle shuddered and took off. Paz wished more than anything that she could see out. What must it be like, to fly above the earth like the birds? _Do you want me to show you what's happening?_ asked Aaor. _Yes,_ said Paz eagerly. Javier indicated his assent more cautiously. Aaor relayed to them a sensory impression of their flight, clearly moderated to make it possible for Humans to enjoy. She could feel the three of them braided together like a ribbon. From the shuttle's perspective it was a gentle hop, barely a movement at all, like a child jumping in place. Moving from one spot on this wet, rocky, sweet-tasting little planet to another, through an atmosphere which pressed against her carapace but did not hinder her. Below, the forest and the river rushed past until she found the right spot and sank down again, tasting the earth. Paz surfaced, gasping, from this illusion to find the flight already over and most of the others disembarked. Aaor was hovvering over her, looking worried.

“Was it too much for you?” Aaor asked anxiously, “I'm sorry, I should never have given it to you - ”

“It was wonderful!” interrupted Paz. She smiled widely. “I was flying!” Then she tried to get up and found herself dizzy to retching. Beside her, Javier was struggling to sit up and clearly feeling the same. Aaor held them and soothed the feeling away almost instantly. When her head had cleared she reassured Aaor again that the experience had been worthwhile. But Aaor didn't seem to take in her words properly.

“Don't worry,” Aaor said, frowning, “I'll take care of you. You won't feel bad again.”

 

Aaor was true to her promise. In the new town, they shared a hut that looked superficially like the one they had left behind, but whose walls opened and closed on command. When Paz touched the cabinets, their smooth surfaces opened to her and revealed foods she craved – roasted yams and plates of what tasted like quesadillas. Even the bed was different – it looked like a true mattress, but felt strangely firm and cool. Aaor was with her constantly, ameliorating all her aches and pains – her feet swelling, her aching back and hips. When even a touch of homesickness or anxiety about the pregnancy came into Paz's mind, Aaor would soothe it away too. Now they slept together every night. Sometimes Paz felt bad for Shkaht and Tediin, being left out, but more often her thoughts were simply filled with Aaor. Aaor even seemed to fill her dreams, crowding out her memories, griefs and fears. Instead, her mind was fogged with pleasure. They joined together more frequently than ever. More than once, Paz had awoken from a dimly-remembered dream to find Aaor already deeply linked into her, with only a single stroke of a hand or sensory tentacle needed to bring her from restless sleep into ecstasy.

It felt obscene to be doing this during pregnancy. She and Javier had slept in separate beds during her other times, after the first miscarriage. For all the good it had done them, at least they tried to keep their babies safe by avoiding the marital embrace. Now she and Javier were constrained not to touch and her only lover was an un-Human one who she couldn't keep her hands off. The worst was that it often made the baby kick harder within her. Paz felt like a dog in heat.

 

Paz was spending less time these days with Jesusa and her other – could she call them sisters-in-law? Human relatives. Their new home had taken over most of the nearby valley, but it didn't yet produce enough food for them all. So farming was still important for everyone. It eased the transition a little, to tend the fields as they always had. When Paz could join them it soothed her spirit. Today, Lilith was teaching the younger Humans some different techniques she had used in her forest gardens. They were strange to Paz, but she trusted Lilith's calm expertise, the way her tall body picked its way easily amongst the plants without damaging anything. Lilith had also begun to show them more edible forest foods, what she called an applesauce fruit. Today she took one in her hands, examining it. “It's not ripe yet, but it soon will be. Do you remember how to prepare this?” Lilith asked.

“Yes,” Paz said hesitantly.

More confidently, Jesusa interjected, “You roast them in the embers of a fire,” she grinned, a quick white flash, at Paz. “You wait til you taste them! They're so good when they're hot.”

Lilith nodded. “But never eat the fruit raw. It's poisonous that way, especially dangerous for pregnant women.”

Paz nodded absently. Mostly, she was thinking about what Aaor would do to her when she got back home. Maybe she should go back now, early. Aaor would be there waiting.

Lilith noticed her distraction. “Are you paying attention, Paz? These lessons are important!” she snapped. Then, more gently, added, “If you need to go off into the forest for a while, it's good to know how to feed yourself.”

Paz didn't want to make trouble. “Aaor can feed me,” she reassured Lilith.

“On your own, Paz,” said Jesusa gently. “Without Aaor.”

Lilith nodded. “We all have to get away, sometimes. Be Human for a little while. It's a good idea to learn the skills to be independent.”

Paz had done that once. When their Oankali mates Shkaht and Tediin first moved in, she'd been so disturbed that she'd moved to another house for a few days. But Paz couldn't bear to be apart from Aaor for very long. These days Paz didn't think she could even go one night without Aaor. “Do you really want to leave them? I don't think I can even make myself want to,” she admitted. “Sometimes it feels like I'm addicted to Aaor.”

Jesusa agreed, “You do seem to stick very close together. Is it the pregnancy?” she asked Lilith. “Is that why Aaor is touching her so much more than usual?”

Lilith frowned. “No. In my tenth month, I left Nikanj for three days straight more than once. Used to drive it crazy! There is something biochemical about our attraction to them, there's no denying that. But every Human needs to go off and do Human things sometimes, and we should be able to. Being pregnant doesn't change that. I'm sure Aaor would understand, Paz.”

 

Paz felt foggy, but she tried to take Lilith's advice seriously. The next day she concentrated hard, packed up some things and started to walk into the forest. Paz didn't tell anyone where she was going, just left. At first, her steps felt random, then she remembered where she was trying to go – back to the shrine. The Mother's shrine, in the old town. There was some unfinished business she had there. Paz had seen the path from the air, in the shuttle – she knew if she kept following the river she would get there in a day or two.

But she didn't have a day or two. It must have only been half an hour before she felt a strong, physical urge to turn back to Aaor. The jostling motion of keeping walking down the path actually made her feel sick, like the first few months all over again. The trees were jiggling around in her vision as she was walking and Paz had to sit down for a moment. She felt very strange. After a moment she got up again and began walking toward the old town, but something was off. Paz spotted a familiar bush, a tree, another tree that reminded her of something, before she realised. “I'm walking the wrong way,” she said slowly. Her feet stopped for a moment, but she just couldn't make them turn around. It felt like she wasn't in control of her own body. She _needed_ Aaor, more than she needed food or sleep, certainly more than she needed to keep going down that path. Paz must have stood in place for a few moments, just swaying on her feet, before she gave in to the urge. She was not an animal. She was not an animal.

Her feet picked up the pace as she got closer and Paz was actually jogging, puffing and panting by the time she reached their new house again. She got a few looks as she ran through the town, but she didn't care. When she spotted Aaor, talking to Shkaht outside their house, she didn't even take a moment to greet the big Oankali female but just hugged Aaor straight away, drawing in her scent like a healing elixir. Aaor smiled at her and drew her into the living room. Paz immediately felt better, as if she could finally breathe again. This was crazy. She'd never felt like this before. Was she trapped, then? For a moment, Paz saw herself as Paz-of-the-past might, before the outsiders had arrived in their little mountain town. Heavily pregnant, dripping with sweat and running to two alien beings, one with snake-like tentacles pointing at her from all over its body. Clinging to the smaller one with four arms, the monster who had made her pregnant with some yet-to-be-discovered horror. Demons, everything she had been taught to fear. For a fraction of a second, Paz recoiled.

Then Aaor asked, “Do you want it?” and positioned a sensory arm around her neck, warm and ready.

“Oh God, yes,” Paz begged. She felt Aaor tremble against her as the sweet icy shock of pleasure enveloped her and drove everything else out. After a moment Shkaht joined them, and she felt them spiralling upward together.

 

The next time Paz saw Jesusa, the younger woman asked how she was doing. “I saw you sneaking away!” she laughed. “Did you go catch some fish or something?”

Paz was embarrassed, but tried to explain what happened. “Well, I actually planned to go out for a couple of days but I guess I just couldn't! I couldn't even go half an hour without her.” She tried to make light of it but could see Jesusa was shocked. “I physically couldn't do it,” Paz admitted. She was shaking. “I guess you're stronger than me,” she whispered. “I feel so ashamed sometimes, but whenever I see her it's like I can't think of anything else. I can't even feel shame.”

Jesusa's eyes were wide. “What's been happening to you? Aaor isn't letting you think straight!”

Tears stood in Paz's eyes. “So what if you're right? What can I do? I can't run away like you and Lilith!” And then, desperately, “You know I love her!”

Jesusa frowned. “It's not normal not to be able to leave at all.” She spoke decisively. “I'll speak to Jodahs and Lilith about it. This is wrong.”

Like a stern aunt, Lilith had told Jesusa, and then told Paz, to take care around the Oankali. To talk to Aaor about what she wanted, then to go away somewhere else and think about it. “It won't lie to you directly. But you need to listen carefully to what it says, and what it doesn't say. If you need to think, get away from it. Get out of the house. Go down to the river or a short way into the forest and do your thinking there.” Paz hadn't really understood this at first. Now she understood it all too well. Even realising that Aaor had been clouding her mind, it was difficult to piece her thoughts together properly when Aaor was constantly nearby. Paz couldn't bring herself to think badly of Aaor for a single moment, and wasn't sure if that was because of the bond they shared or because Aaor – wouldn't let her. When Paz had a moment to herself, she tried to think about what she really wanted, but it was difficult to focus. Something about the shrine. About the Mother. Whenever a fragment of grief surfaced in her, Aaor submerged it again. It was getting harder to think altogether. Javier tried to speak to her about it, but his words didn't penetrate her stupor. Paz felt like a plant submerged in a strong stream, swept relentlessly in a single direction by the current. She grew more languid, ate less frequently, gave herself over to Aaor's hands.

 

When Jodahs and Nikanj came to confront Aaor about the matter, Paz was linked to her in the living area. Aaor had taken to sweeping Paz's long black hair away from her neck and curling a sensory arm around it increasingly often throughout the day, even in the common areas, catching Paz off-guard. Paz couldn't remember what she'd been meaning to do when they started – go out to the fields? Her whole attention was trapped by Aaor's expert exploration of her body. At the moment, it was making her feel as if a piece of soft fur was lightly running over her. When it reached her nipple she moaned aloud. Then the sensation stopped abruptly and she opened her eyes to see the other ooloi watching them. A wash of embarrassment and shame swept over her to have them see her like this. Aaor quickly soothed it away by sending her into a pleasurable half-asleep state, so that the conversation in Oankali that followed felt like a dream.

“What are you doing, sibling?” asked Jodahs. They always spoke gently, but Paz could tell that he was angry.

“I'm taking care of my mate,” said Aaor.

“You're doing too much,” said Jodahs, “Do you remember our conversation in the forest? You have to remember to let them be Human. That includes mourning.”

“Paz is hurting!” exclaimed Aaor. “I can't just stand by and watch her feel all of this guilt and pain, when I can comfort her. I've come into my full abilities now, and it's thanks to her.”

“You've been 'comforting' her to the point where she's barely been eating,” said Nikanj sternly.

“I've been feeding her intravenously,” said Aaor nervously. “Paz is in perfect health.”

“But you've been overwhelming her. It's not healthy to drug them so heavily, you know that.” Nikanj turned softer. “I know it's been a struggle for you both. But you must let time do its work of healing the mind, and not take it all upon yourself.”

Aaor broke down. “I keep trying and trying!” Paz felt an echo of its hurt and fear for her. “Every time I think I've put out one fire of despair, another two spring up in its place. The nightmares keep coming back more strongly, whatever I do in the day. I can't bear it!”

“Let us link to get a consensus about what to do,” suggested Jodahs.

Nikanj nodded. “I left you to one another and perhaps that was a mistake. I didn't want to be seen as interfering.” The three ooloi linked together and one, she couldn't tell which, noticed she was still awake. Paz's awareness winked out like a light.

 

In the morning, Paz woke alone, and with a sense of clarity she hadn't felt in days. She stared at the ceiling for what felt like an endless while, puzzling out the direction of the pain inside her. “Javier, wake up,” she said softly to the man in the bed across from her. “We're going to the shrine. Help me.”

It was still half-dark outside as they made their way out of the town. Paz had only allowed Javier to pack them a few things, unsure if the Oankali had been deliberately allowing them to leave or whether Aaor would be back soon with more soothing to make her mindless again. Aaor, she couldn't think about Aaor now or her heart would break.

“You want to thank the Mother for the pregnancy? To pray for a safe delivery?” Javier had asked as they made their way through the trees by the river. He was a little bewildered. “I thought you felt like I did, after our last time.”

“I need to get rid of this hair,” said Paz, which wasn't really an answer. “Come on, let's go faster.”

“Are you afraid of them catching up with us?” asked Javier. After a moment, he admitted, “I am.” He frowned. “I don't like what Aaor was doing to you. I know she thought it was to help you, but we're not animals. We have to be able to think for ourselves. She should know that.”

“Can you bring yourself to dislike her for it?” asked Paz, genuinely curious.

“No,” he sighed. “That's the problem. And I want to go back to Aaor, already. That's the problem too.”

Aaor needed them, in some way that was hard to understand but painfully clear to experience. Aaor had even changed her body to reflect Paz's unspoken fantasy – to be with another woman. Even at this distance away, Paz couldn't bring herself to hate Aaor for what she had done.

 

They continued on until the half-light wasn't enough to walk by, then lit a fire and built a simple shelter from thatch the way Lilith had taught them. Her lessons in jungle survival were partly so that they could run away like this, safely. She and Javier slept as far apart as they could manage within the confines of the little shelter. Without Aaor the mosquitoes troubled them, and Paz tossed and turned all night on her bedroll, feeling heavy and tired and in pain. When she slept, she dreamt of babies.

Seven of them. Seven little angels, when she was in a religious mood, which wasn't often these days. Only four burials – the others hadn't survived to term. Their last baby, Jorge, had lived three weeks before he died. When he died it had been a mercy. After that, she hadn't had the heart to go on trying. Aaor had caught them, that night in the cabin on the mountain-side, in a moment of utter heartbreak. The people had decided that if they couldn't have healthy children together, they must be separated and married to others for the good of Humanity. They had been given a last chance to conceive, first, but couldn't quite bring themselves to go through with it. Aaor had saved them from having to make that choice. Aaor had saved herself, too. When they met, Aaor was dying.

 

They got up early, at first light, and kept going. Javier wanted to stop half-way and catch fish, but Paz wanted to press on. At first, they moved on the piece of flat land beside the river silently, caught up in their own thoughts, but as the day wore on they began to talk. At the path to the shrine, a tall blossoming tree was leaning over the path and almost threatening to block it. Javier pointed. “Tomas' tree! Do you remember all that commotion over the tree?”

“Of course, how could I forget?” Paz smiled. He had been a mischievous little boy, before his neck froze in place and he started to become a man. The Elders had wanted to pull it up, but Paz and some of the other women suggested the Mother must like it since it grew there so well.

Javier hadn't visited the shrine since before the Oankali arrived. When they were living in the old town Paz had still liked to visit and light candles, sometimes, but she'd begun to find it difficult to climb the steep path to the shrine. She couldn't remember the last time she had visited before they left. Parting the trailing blossoms to reveal the last section of path, they climbed.

There were a few candle-stubs on the altar, but it looked like no-one had been back here for a while. Petals blown by the breeze had fetched up in here. The offerings of hair and umbilical cords smelled dusty and pungent. The Mother's face on the carved statue was serene, distant. She held her perfect baby up as an example to all women of the group – unblemished, plump and beautiful. The Son.

Javier turned away. “Look, you do whatever you need to do, but I can't go in there again. I can't - “ He scrubbed an angry hand across his face and ran out without another word.

In another lifetime, Paz would have gone after him, tried to find some comforting thing to say, or held him. Now she just stared at the statue. Its eyes were kind. What had she meant to say, here, to Maria, the Mother of All?

 

“Why?” she whispered at last.

It felt so inadequate. “Why do this to us? I tried, _so_ hard, to be good. To make a family. To be like you!” Paz took the scissors on the altar, the ones for cutting the hair when your healthy baby finally arrived. “I, never, used, these!” she sobbed at the impassive face, and swiped at her rope of long hair, almost randomly. A few black strands floated down. This inspired Paz to make a serious attack on the hair, taking heavy chunks out with every haphazard cut. “Why did you set me up to fail? You killed them all!” The hair got caught in her eyes, caught in her mouth. “This hair isn't for you! This is for me! I'm not going to give anything to you anymore!”

She accidentally caught her ear, but the sharp pain drove her on, if anything. There was no mirror, so she simply seized handfuls of hair and cut at them, blindly. “Now I'm going to have a baby with an alien. One of them. Someone who isn't even human! I'm their whore now!”

Later, she would remember this moment as feeling like a demon possessed her. Or it felt like that point in vomiting where you are completely helpless to stop what's coming out of yourself, you need it to come out. “I'm her whore and I don't even care! This is better than telling myself lies about this place! Better than watching my children die!”

After a time that seemed to stretch endlessly, the hair was all gone. The fury that had seized her abruptly died down and Paz sat and just gazed at her hair scattered across the floor. It lay all around her in thick black hunks, drifts of long strands. Nine years of pain, hope, and betrayal. She looked up at the Mother one more time. “I'm done with you,” Paz said quietly. “We're done now.” She turned and left the shrine for the last time, without looking back.

 

Paz had lost track of time inside the shrine and noticed now that it was almost evening. It was raining heavily. Javier wasn't on the path. He must have made his way back toward the village – perhaps toward their old house, or to the graveyard? He had some memories of his own to work through, she knew. Paz bent her steps slowly toward the houses. On the shadowed path she saw a large figure and froze, heart pounding. Resisters here already? Then it moved and she saw with relief that it was Shkaht. The big Oankali female spoke softly. “I apologise for not saying anything to Aaor about you. We are not accustomed to Humans, yet. What happened was not right. I know that now.” She sounded guilty, tired. Paz just put her arms around Shkaht and leaned into her, held her for a long moment. The Oankali ran hands through her wet hair, remarking on its new length.

Tediin, Javier and Aaor were waiting at their old house. There was an oil lamp flame burning in the window, its gentle glow lighting up their faces. Aaor stood up as Paz approached, and came to the door. “I'm sorry,” said Aaor at once. It held itself apart, head tentacles bunched into unhappy knots. “I'm sorry I bound you to me like that.” Aaor hugged itself like a child. “Nikanj made me understand how wrong I was. You know I can never leave you, permanently, but I'll never stop you coming and going again. You're a person, not something that belongs to me.”

Paz held out her hand to Aaor. “Apology accepted,” she said quietly. Aaor put her strength hand into hers and squeezed it, in a very Human way.

They leaned together and Aaor asked, nervously, “Can I show you something?” Paz nodded and Aaor gave Paz an impression of herself, for a moment. _How you look to me,_ she said internally. A beautiful woman with a newly wild short hair cut like an aerial seed, ready to grow and throw out tiny shoots of green. A fierce star burning grief and turning it into light and air and hope. Something you couldn't cage or soothe, but only allow it to ignite.

“I'm not so lovely,” said Paz aloud, wondering. “Am I?”

Aaor said, “That was only a shadow – a fraction – of what you are to me.” The ooloi looked very serious. “I promise never to try to take all your pain again. It is not mine to bear.”

“Thank you,” said Paz. “In return I promise to ask, if I do need your help.” As the rain drummed on the roof she looked around the table at the faces of her family. Her heart was full. And in her belly, a fluttering group of kicks marched their way across her ribs.

“Now that's settled, then let's eat!” said Javier, and everyone laughed.

 

On their return to the new town, everyone had greeted them with warmth and kindness. Their lives returned to an easy rhythm. If Aaor was still nervous about Paz, she didn't show it, making a clear effort to stand further apart from her. Paz began to spend more time with her Human relatives, Jesusa and Lilith in particular. The women could still touch one another, and Jesusa enjoyed putting her hands on Paz's growing belly to feel the baby inside. Paz still felt fearful sometimes when she considered the outcome of the pregancy, but she tried to trust Aaor. Paz had finally accepted Aaor's repeated offers to give her sensory impressions of the growing baby, and these comforted her as nothing else could. The baby was going to be breech, feet first. Aaor had continually tried to turn the baby in her womb only to have it revert itself the next time Paz moved. “Strong-willed, like you!” laughed Aaor. And after the scene at the shrine, her nightmares had ceased to trouble her as frequently. Days went by between thinking of her other pregnancies, and as the months wore on she was able to almost put to the back of her mind what was coming.

The cramps had started unexpectedly early, while Paz was out on another fishing expedition with Lilith, Tomás and Jesusa. Frozen with fear, she told Lilith and watched as the older woman palpated her abdomen, felt the hardening there. Lilith nodded, smiled to Paz. “It's time. Time we got you back home to your family.” The next few hours went by in a blur. The others helped her clamber over the stones and tree-roots by the river bank, taking pauses for the contractions to make their way through her body. The pauses grew more frequent. When she got home, Paz was exhausted, but Lilith and Aaor made her keep getting up and walking about to bring the baby down further.

The hours stretched on, endlessly. While they had been away from home, Shkaht and Tediin had been called out for an emergency – a child stolen by Resisters. Aaor tried to 'be' them for the baby, but couldn't manage to give impressions of three people at once. Paz was trembling, trying to hold everything back. It felt worse than the times before, did feel like dying, almost. Endless moments of wringing out and gasping for breath, feeling as if she was about to vomit again but with nothing left to come up. Javier's fearful enquiries and Aaor's gentle but urgent words fell on her like raindrops, empty of meaning. She receded into herself, which was almost right, but she couldn't find the way out. A wave of darkness was pressing on her skull. Her stomach heaved. Stay inside baby, stay where it's safe.

A rush of the same feelings she'd struggled with over the past weeks resurfaced, horribly. She was going to fall over the precipice after all, down into the pit. “I can't do it!” Paz gasped between the pangs, “I'm not strong enough, don't make me do it again!” She was going to die – the baby was going to die -

Javier stroked her brow again with the wet cloth and looked pleadingly at Aaor. “Can't you take the pain away again for her?”

Aaor's tentacles knotted as if it was in pain itself. “I promised her I wouldn't. And I shouldn't take away this feeling. I shouldn't sedate Paz for the birth. It isn't just pain, it's the transition. I was told about it, a Human thing. Please, Paz, please don't worry, it'll be over soon, my love.” Its sheltering arms suddenly felt like a cage, the pangs driving her to escape it, to get out of here, somewhere else. A disembodied thought drifted through her that she was indeed going crazy, but Paz didn't feel in control of herself any more, quite. “I can't, I can't do it,” she cried again. She could feel something coming loose, wrenchingly, and it did hurt, it did hurt even with Aaor there. “Aaor, I can't! Find someone else to have this baby!”

Then she felt another set of hands firm and cool on her brow, looked up to find Shkaht bending over her with Tediin close behind coming through the door. “We came as soon as we could,” said the big solid comforting presence, “We're here for you.” The touch of their hands was like water in the desert, quenching, cooling, reassuring. Paz couldn't have named it but this was what she had been waiting for. All of her mates around her. This was right, finally. That feeling was enough to overcome her nausea and fear and allow her to connect again with the pangs inside her, to let her unlock their power and allow it to flow over her. For a few moments, it felt as if she might disappear, but their hands guided her back to the light again. Javier was holding her too, she noticed absently as she closed her eyes for what felt like an endless surge. Then it felt like burning – abruptly quenched by Aaor's attentions. A slippery wetness emerged between her thighs and she caught her breath, waiting. It seemed like an eternity before she heard anything, but it must have only been a handful of moments before a piercing cry filled the air. Baby!

Paz had almost forgotten amidst the struggle what she had been fighting for. “My baby!” she gasped.

It was Javier who first caught up the baby and cradled her, examined her. Tiny little grey-brown shape, colouring pink with the cries, little eyes screwed shut. “A girl. She's perfect! Perfect!” He was crying openly, unashamed. “Here,” he said blindly, and handed the little one to Aaor, who fairly snatched her from him. Aaor tenderly examined the baby with sensory tentacles and gentle hands for a moment, clearly satisfying herself that all was indeed well. And it must have been, because for a minute or more Aaor's tentacles looked painted-on, so flat were they against her skin with pleasure. “She is perfect,” Aaor confirmed, “Our first daughter.” Lilith had said their soft voices didn't carry emotion, but Paz could hear it in every word Aaor said.

“Give her to me,” Paz said urgently, and no sooner had she started to ask than the squirming, squawling little life was passed over. Aside from two rough patches on her upper back that Aaor explained would likely develop into sensory tentacles, she looked completely Human. In Paz's arms she quieted and opened her tiny eyes wide to stare up at her. You could be swallowed by those glorious huge pupils, the steady gaze. The first of a new species. Daughter.

 

“Luz,” she said. “Her name is Luz.”

**Author's Note:**

> In this story I have deliberately used 'she' to describe the ooloi Aaor, despite the inaccuracy - 'xie' or 'they' would be better, ooloi being neither male nor female, but as Butler explains in Imago, "Spanish did not have a word that translated exactly. Spanish-speaking people usually handled the ooloi gender by ignoring it. They used masculine or feminine, whichever felt right to them - when they had to use anything." Paz perceives Aaor as 'she', and so does Javier. The only exception you may notice in the story is Lilith, who for her own reasons always uses the English word 'it' to refer to ooloi even when speaking in Spanish.
> 
> Although this is not songfic, I was struck upon completing it by how well it fits the lyrics of Dreams, by Fleetwood Mac.


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